bowl_of_glow: (jack_light)
[personal profile] bowl_of_glow
A/N: Hmm. Hello. Nothing special. I haven’t written in a while so, hmm, yeah. I admit I’ve probably messed up with the tenses here. *scratches head* If it’s so painfully obvious, please point it out... I appreciate the help.
’Summary’: 5 moments in which Jack missed Ennis (almost too much to stand)
Genre: Canon

Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack were not created by me, but by Annie E. Proulx. No infringements or disrespects intended.



5 moments in which Jack missed Ennis (almost too much to stand)


That time he watched a documentary about grizzly bears on TV- he can’t remember why he watched it all to be honest, since it was quite boring, but he presumes he didn’t have anything more interesting to do at the moment.
He wasn’t that sober, also, that he can remember- and the memory of the three or four empty bottles on the coffee table in front of him seems to confirm it- but he was feeling strangely lucid, momentarily graced by that sharp, clear vision of things that only alcohol can give.

The brown bear on the screen looked big and menacing, very much like the one that had run after Ennis that summer day on Brokeback Mountain, at least according to what Ennis had reported afterwards.
Or maybe it had been Jack himself the one who’d made that image up in his head, impressed by the story, and half relieved and half confused by deferred, unreasonable fright.

After the end of the documentary Jack had gone upstairs, taking a small tin box out of his drawer.
He flicked through the postcards bought last time he’d been to Wyoming –five months before, so much time, too much time- picked one of them.

Miss you, he’d written, in round, childish letters.
Just that, two words only, right behind the picture of the Big Horns mountains.

What if Alma saw it first? Would she suspect something?
In that moment Jack couldn’t bring himself to care. In fact, a sick, small part of him hoped she would.

He mailed the letter that same day, but never received an answer, either verbal or written.
Which is okay. After all he wasn’t expecting one.

_____________________________________________________________


When his son found him still awake on the couch with the TV turned on, soundless, and asked what he was doing there.
Jack had looked at Bobby. Bluish lights and shadows were ghosting over his son’s face, probably giving him a spectral appearance as well, making him look as awful as he was feeling.
He didn’t answer Bobby, just shook his head, told him to say to his mother he wouldn’t bother her, and she could keep acting as he wasn’t there for a few days.

His son narrowed his eyes and seemed to study him for a moment, but he asked no other questions, for which Jack was very grateful.
Bobby didn’t want to know about his dad’s friend if Jack didn’t want to explain, and Jack surely did not -he couldn’t find a way to explain what he was doing there instead of being in Wyoming, as he had told he would.
He still wasn’t sure he knew why, or maybe he did but feared the answer too much to acknowledge it.
Either way he didn’t want to think about it.

Bobby tiptoed to the couch where Jack was sitting and leaned over, placing a soft kiss on his father’s forehead.
Jack’s eyelids fluttered and he looked up, smiling. Bobby smiled back.

Later that night he left the door of his bedroom open in a silent invitation, just in case his dad wanted to sleep in there with him, like he had done last time he was home, and the night before that one, and the night before.

Later that night Jack entered the room, silently, looking down at his little child with an aching heart.
That was the first time he wondered... did he know?
He seemed to understand sometimes.
Children were smart, after all.

He wished he had been given the time to explain Ennis that.
Did his girls noticed the way the word ‘friend’ had sounded on Ennis’s lips? Their dad’s sudden nervousness?
The happiness in Jack’s eyes, right before it was so roughly crushed?

He looked at Bobby then and thought that yes, they probably did.
But unlike their father, as long as they looked so happy together they probably wouldn’t have cared.

_____________________________________________________________


That time at the bar, when a tall blond guy had looked in his direction with a lustful glint in his eyes.
Jack still remembers that lonely days, the desperate need to be with someone –anyone- just to be able to ignore the emptiness that seemed to gnaw at his soul, making him afraid that someday he would be left void, inside.

Then why didn’t he go with that man?
He wouldn’t have been the first stranger he followed out of a bar and into a motel room, so prudence had nothing to do with it.

No, it had been the smile that the man had flashed at him, one way too open and friendly to even vaguely resemble Ennis’s.
There was something in that smile that made Jack’s stomach twist in a painful knot, making him want to withdraw far into himself.

Damn.
Ennis had ruined him for any other man.

He averted his eyes. The blond stranger got up and out.

Ennis.
Sometimes Jack cannot help but hate him.

_____________________________________________________________


Sometimes- and that’s the strange, torturing thing- he misses Ennis even when he’s staying right there beside him.
Jack’s always thinking ahead, that’s what helps him survive- but thinking ahead when he’s with Ennis doesn’t do him any good, it just makes him crazy and desperate with need, makes him giddy with emotions he cannot show.
Cannot get hold of this elusive thing they share, it slips between his fingers like water, lasting but a few days.
Slow agony.

He misses the Ennis he met on Brokeback, that unconcerned boy, back when reality still had to catch up with them.

Moments gone forever. All they have now is this sad replacement.

He looks at Ennis. He’s there, right there beside him.
Sometimes, though, he’s afraid he won’t be able to reach him anymore.

_____________________________________________________________


Ennis holds the shirts, crying.
Not loud sobs, just sad, silent tears.
Jack touches his shoulder. Ennis doesn’t move.
He probably cannot even feel it.

And now? It’s not like he really misses him... not like he missed him when he was alive, anyway.
It’s more like he feels his absence.
But he waits.
He’s waited all his life after all, it’s nothing he isn’t used to.
What makes it bearable now is knowing that it’s just a matter of time.

Ennis hangs the shirts again, murmures something under his breath- Jack, I swear...
Jack smiles.
Funny how Ennis cannot finish the sentence, not even now.
Funny, if it wasn’t so sad.

He understands though, and wraps his arms around Ennis’s waist.
Me too, Ennis, he whispers softly in return, lips against his ear.

Ennis grows still, looks out of the trailer, at the blowing breeze.
And placing a hand over his heart, Jack can feel his heartbeat slowing down.

Finally able to reach him, at last.
It was worth it.

Date: 2010-03-02 07:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grlewis.livejournal.com
wow. this packs quite a punch.

gr

Date: 2010-03-02 07:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks. And err, sorry. *lol*

B.

Date: 2010-03-02 07:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jadband.livejournal.com
So sad and beautiful. Thank you. Ursel

Date: 2010-03-02 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you, Ursel. :)
Comments make my day. ♥

B.

Date: 2010-03-02 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jacks-key.livejournal.com
Oh, Jesus. I think #4 hit me the hardest (missing someone who's right there beside you - I know that feeling), but #5 is a close second. Well done.

Date: 2010-03-02 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks sweetie. :)

*hugs*

B.

Date: 2010-03-02 09:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hampshirerose.livejournal.com
This was just beautiful and so very sad but the last part took some of sting away.

rose x

Date: 2010-03-03 02:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks for commenting, Gill! :)

Have a good day ♥

Date: 2010-03-02 09:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gwylliondream.livejournal.com
Yeeeeowwwch! Liked the Bobby one best, if I had to pick... no, the last one... no, the one where he was with him but not really there... no...

Well I hope you're having a great day!

Grrrrr....

XO
Donna

Date: 2010-03-03 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Hey there honey :)
I'm glad you liked it!

My day's been okay so far- hope yours is good!

*hugs*

Beautiful

Date: 2010-03-02 10:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bronctastic.livejournal.com
All of them. Thank you.

Date: 2010-03-03 02:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you for reading. :)

Hugs!

B.

Date: 2010-03-02 10:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freetraveller15.livejournal.com
Un altro pezzo bellissimo e scritto in modo molto originale.
Grazie. Un abbraccio,
Paola
x

Date: 2010-03-03 02:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Grazie a te cara :)

Un bacio! ♥

xoxo

Date: 2010-03-02 11:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maeby-sparrow.livejournal.com
"It was worth it."

*sob*

Date: 2010-03-03 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
*hands tissue*

Sorry about the sadness- thanks a lot for reading :)

*hugs*

Date: 2010-03-03 02:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bagel1.livejournal.com
Just beautiful sweetie...

Ennis grows still, looks out of the trailer, at the blowing breeze.
And placing a hand over his heart, Jack can feel his heartbeat slowing down.

Finally able to reach him, at last.
It was worth it.



Very well done:) My heart ached when I read the last part.

Love to you

Joanne XXx

Date: 2010-03-03 02:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks for reading honey :)

Love and hugs to you!

xoxo

Date: 2010-03-03 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luvenck.livejournal.com
This was awesome.......and just why haven't you written for awhile? I can't pick one I like the most, the only thing that really gripped my heart was the fact that Jack didn't leave the bar with the other guy, and right after, Jack talks about how lonesome he feels when he was with Ennis.... Very touching and heartbreaking.
Love, Cat xoxo
(NO-I wasn't upset you read my "message". Thank-you for doing so, and your very supportive words)-I friended you!

Date: 2010-03-03 02:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
...and just why haven't you written for awhile?

Lack of time, mostly!
Thanks for reading... Hmm, if you wanna read other things just follow the tags, you should find everything.

Hugs! ♥

B.

Date: 2010-03-03 07:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-boys-n-me.livejournal.com
These were all very good, even though quite sad. *sniff sniff*

Date: 2010-03-03 02:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
*pats shoulder*

Thanks for reading and commenting- it means a lot. :)

Hugs! ♥

Date: 2010-03-03 11:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ifyoucantfixit2.livejournal.com
Very sad, and very hard to read.

Date: 2010-03-03 02:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Yeah, I know it was sad- but thanks. :)

Love and hugs!

Date: 2010-03-03 11:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kundry-77.livejournal.com
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you
Karolina

Date: 2010-03-03 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you Karolina!

*hugs*

Date: 2010-03-03 01:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] destinyjoined.livejournal.com
This is very beatiful, but so sad.
Sadness increasing in each part, from the first to the last one.
We're inspired, I hope you write more soon.

Love,
Marian

Date: 2010-03-03 02:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Hola Marian :)
long time no see, uh? Everything ok?

Thanks for reading, good to see you. ♥

*tight hugs!*

G

Date: 2010-03-03 03:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tmn1966.livejournal.com
Oh, I'm so glad I went back through my f-list to find this!

Really, the last one ... oh my! Actually, I have to agree with Donna ... they all are really good, but that last one really had me sniffling. I could picture it and I thought this was just so fitting:

Funny how Ennis cannot finish the sentence, not even now.
Funny, if it wasn’t so sad.


Well done, sweetie! Glad you were able to share that with us. :)

L&H,
Teri

Date: 2010-03-03 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thank you babe. I'm very glad you liked it. :)

Always happy to share (if only I had more time!)

*tight hugs*

B.

Date: 2010-03-04 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] r-o-l-i-e.livejournal.com
I really wish you would write more."Nothing special",you say,sooooooooo not true, this was very special me.
I could see Jack hugging Ennis..wow this was really special writing.
XXX

Date: 2010-03-04 04:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Aww, thanks Cay. :)

I'm glad you liked it!

Hugs!

Date: 2010-03-04 01:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] camillar.livejournal.com
These were so gorgeous sweetie! Oh, that last one just about killed me. Just absolutely beautiful! thanks so much, it's wonderful to see you writing again!!
Camilla

Date: 2010-03-04 04:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
*smile* Thank you very much, sweetheart!

*hugs you*

Date: 2010-03-04 09:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mrs-spamlad.livejournal.com
loved these :)
thank you!

Date: 2010-03-04 03:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you! ♥

Date: 2010-03-25 12:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gothica-vanessa.livejournal.com
they are all wonderful, but that one is too PERFECT not to be quoted again ... jeez, this one IS a PURE jewel, huh ... killed me over a thousands times at least, but i thank you for it from the depths of my crying heart (and torn guts) !!! WOW WOW WOW !!!!!
thanks, again
vanessa

Sometimes- and that’s the strange, torturing thing- he misses Ennis even when he’s staying right there beside him.
Jack’s always thinking ahead, that’s what helps him survive- but thinking ahead when he’s with Ennis doesn’t do him any good, it just makes him crazy and desperate with need, makes him giddy with emotions he cannot show.
-> this here after is just soooooooooooooooooooooooo WOW :
Cannot get hold of this elusive thing they share, it slips between his fingers like water, lasting but a few days.
Slow agony.

He misses the Ennis he met on Brokeback, that unconcerned boy, back when reality still had to catch up with them.

Moments gone forever. All they have now is this sad replacement.

He looks at Ennis. He’s there, right there beside him.
-> and god, do you hav ANY idea what that last sentence does to me ... OINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Sometimes, though, he’s afraid he won’t be able to reach him anymore.

so, thanks, again, huh !!!
vanessa

Date: 2010-03-25 01:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Gaaaah! Thank you sweetheart, I'm so glad you liked it! *huggles ya*

Love ya!

G.

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