Carving (one shot/ au!au)
May. 25th, 2009 01:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bowl_of_glowAuthor’s note: All right, this came out so different from what I was trying to write. Didn’t even want to post it, then a voice inside my head said... ‘What the hell , you wrote it!’. So here it is.
*whispers* ...I’m kinda lacking of inspiration lately... (Shh! Don’t wanna scare the Muse away!!) So Ikinda stole an idea was inspired by a book I’m reading, which is kinda... gothic?
Don’t think it’s sad, though.
Maybe just kinda weird. I don’t know.
Warnings: Mistakes. I claim them, they’re mine.
My dear other B, I know this is not exactly what you asked for ;) , but this is what came out of me this time, even if I swear I was trying to write a... happy smexy thing... Lol!
Anyway, happy birthday again!! *hugs you* ...and thanks for everything.
Carving
I like watching Jack while he’s asleep.
When he’s totally unaware of the fact that I’m looking at him, of what I’m looking at and why.
I don’t have to feel embarassed or shy. I can stare at what I want, for as long as I please.
Then, if I want, I can wake him up with a kiss on his mouth. Or with lots of kisses, everywhere.
Or, well... in a more creative way. Sometimes I do.
But actually I crave for these crystallized moments of pure stillness.
Because... when he’s asleep, he’s mine.
I have all the time I want to treasure the sight of Jack’s perfect form.
No rush. No hurry.
Moments when the world’s not going anywhere and it’s just the two of us.
I look at the alarm clock on the bedside table.
Mmm. Almost eight o’ clock. Maybe I should wake him up, after all.
Besides the clock, my attention gets caught even this time by the little sculpture he made last year for our anniversary.
It looks even more beautiful in the golden light of the morning. Kinda more... real.
Two trees, leaning one against the other, their branches twisted together into a confusing mass, their trunks intertwined. You can’t tell where one tree ends and where the other begins, but you do recognize the shapes of two beeches.
Look, Ennis, Jack had told me that day, smiling. It’s us. Inseparable. And when we’re together, just unbreakable.
Yeah. I got myself not only a very handsome man: Jack’s an artist too.
He creates beauty with the help of stone and chisels. Isn’t that great?
I asked him once how the whole creative process of carving worked for him, because I wanted to know.
How could he think of all those figures, how could he make up all those images of things and people in his head, and then give them a body and a shape in such a defined way?
He told me he doesn’t really create anything new.
And I was puzzled at first, ‘cause I didn’t understand that.
But, you see, for Jack isn’t about creating something.
It’s all about freeing something.
“You see these sculptures, Ennis? They’ve always been there. Always existed.”
He gets so serious every time he talks about his work.
“It’s like everything’s inside the stone. Already there. It’s just... waiting to be set free, you know? So I only have to listen and focus my attention on it. And then, if I’m doing things right, I can feel it.”
“Feel what?” I had asked him.
Jack’s eyes had gone wide.
“What lies behind the surface,” he had said slowly. “What’s hidden inside the stone. I don’t know why, but it’s just like that... I just bring to light what was obscured by darkness.”
I believe him.
I mean, I believe that it’s like that for him.
And the reason why I’m sure of it... it’s that he did the same thing to me.
Jack... he can see through things sometimes.
He listened to my hidden self and he struggled to bring me to life.
My true self. My real self.
Because he saw me, from the very start.
Yeah, I was prisoner of myself and Jack set my soul free- I wasn’t sure of what I would end up being, but it didn’t matter ‘cause Jack knew it already, even before me.
And he showed me what kind of life we could have had together, if only I had dared coming out of my lurk.
Like, that time we kissed for the first time. I remember the scene like it was yesterday.
We had known each other for years, we were still two young boys, and I was starting to understand that what drew me to Jack wasn’t just a sentiment of friendship.
It was something else, something more, something more strong and more powerful, and so terribly more scaring at the same time.
I didn’t want to feel the way I felt, but I just couldn’t help being attracted to him.
And I felt so ashamed of it.
I thought it was wrong and unnatural. That was what I had been taught.
But if it was so unnatural, why did I have to feel that way? Why was that feeling inside of me, so painfully intense, a torment that grew up more and more every day?
“Ennis? What are you thinking about?”
We were sitting on his porch swing, talking- something we had discovered we both liked to do, something better than going out and chasing girls like our friends did whenever they had the chance.
Well, even if I just listened and let him do the talking most of the times, but it was okay.
Actually everything with Jack felt okay, and he never expected from me more than I could give him.
“Ennis?”
I remember raising my gaze slowly, almost afraid of meeting his eyes.
Afraid he could see what had been eating me up from the very inside of my soul for months.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit.” Jack shrugged. Don’t know how he did it but he could always tell when I was lying. “You’re not fine.” He watched me more closely, studying my face. “You seem kinda... desperate, to say the truth.”
God, if I was.
I was feeling so lonely and alone, those days more than ever.
The burden that weighed on my shoulder felt heavier for some reason I could not understand.
I didn’t answer. Just kept staring in front of me. Suddenly everything looked kinda blurred.
“Hey, friend,” said Jack, sliding closer, a concerned note in his voice.“Seriously. What’s wrong?”
His left leg was touching my right leg all the way down my calf.
I could feel him, warm against my body.
Could almost feel his hot breath on my cheek.
“Jack...”
Don’t know why I had to say his name. It came out like a painful moan, the whine of a wounded animal.
Jack.
Jack, Jack, Jack.
That name I couldn’t get out of my head.
“Yeah...” he whispered, placing a hand on my tight and rubbing the fabric in a soothing gesture. “I’m here Ennis. You can talk to me.”
Suddenly it was all too much, and the tears I was trying to hold back spilled over, rolling down my cheeks, wetting my face.
Before I could realize it, I had Jack’s arms around me, holding me tight against him, pressing my head against his chest.
I could feel his heartbeat.
His heart thumping wildy just below my ear.
“It’s okay Ennis... it’s okay...” he kept saying, even if I could sense he didn’t know what exactly he was referring to. I wasn’t sure of that myself.
“Jack...”
You’re not supposed to feel this way...
“I don’t think it is.”
...ain’t natural.
“What are you talking about, Ennis? Tell me.”
He had such a pleading tone, and in that moment I really wished I could tell him, put into words the restless emotions that flailed inside me, so to make him understand: but words never came to me easily, and maybe there weren’t words to describe that fear that seemed to tear my heart apart most of the time.
I sniffed, trying to compose myself, straightening up a little but still held by his arms.
“It’s me...” I murmured. It was a secret I had carried inside of me for so long. My shameful secret. “I think something’s wrong with me.”
Jack frowned.
“Why, Ennis? What have you done?”
“I...” I shook my head, lowering my eyes.
What if the truth would scare him? I knew I was scared by it.
What if he would end up not wanting to see me or talk to me ever again?
“Jack... I think I... like you.” A faint sob escaped my lips. “I mean... Ain’t normal.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath as I drew back.
“Oh, Ennis.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Ennis. Shh.”
Jack reached for my face, gently touching my jaw.
“Look at me.”
I didn’t want to, but I felt I owned him somehow.
He lifted my head, and I saw him staring at me.
That sure wasn’t a hateful expression.
Not even a pitiful one.
He looked almost... broken-hearted.
“Ennis. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing. All right?”
“Jack...”
“No, listen. You are... a wondeful person. You hear me? Wonderful inside out.” His voice was firm and forceful while he stroked my face. “You’re special.”
I sighed.
“How can you say it? How do you know this isn’t just plain wrong?”
Jack put his other hand on the other side of my face, pulling my head forward.
We were just inches apart now.
His lips a breath away from mine.
Our eyes locked.
“Because I can see it, Ennis.”
He leaned over.
“And because I feel the same.”
Time stilled as his lips brushed over my mouth. I held my breath, waiting with my eyes closed.
My heart ready to burst out of my chest.
The cage starting to give in.
already there
waiting to be set free
I can feel
what lies behind the surface
I opened up to him as he broke with a kiss all the bars that had kept me prisoner until that moment.
and I just bring to light what was obscured by darkness.
For the first time I felt in touch with the world.
Jack stirs under the sheets, rolling on his back.
Even if he has his eyes still closed I can tell he’s awake, because of that soft smile on his lips.
I so love his smile.
I think that he knows it. You know, it may sound crazy, but sometimes I suspect he’s all smiling just to please me.
Just to see that brief sparkle of happiness I know must be shining in my eyes when I look at him.
Or maybe I’m just imaginig it. Who knows.
Never been as good as he is at reading people.
“Hmmm. You’re awake,” he mutters, streching an arm out to pull me closer.
He opens his eyes, his fingers tangled in my hair, slightly pulling at my blond locks.
“What were you doing anyway?”
I look down on him, touching his eyebrow with my thumb.
“Was waiting for you to wake up, sleepy head.”
“Yeah, I bet I’m quite a sight when I’m sleeping,” he says with a playful grin.
“You are,” I reply, and I so mean it. I think my man he’s one of the most gorgeous things on Earth.
Must be ‘cause I see him trough the eyes of a man in love.
Never loved anyone the way I love Jack.
“Come here,” he laughs, drawing me close to him.
I fell on his chest, and it feels just like my place.
The right place.
I caress his skin, smelling his scent. And I feel I found the place I belong to.
It’s an overwhelming sensation sometimes, you know?
And I feel the urge to tell him, because there are days when I feel so grateful, even if he keeps saying that he didn’t do anything, that it was just me.
Days when I wonder what I did to deserve having him besides me for the rest of my life.
I turn my head, kissing his heart.
“I’m so glad you let me out.”
Words that probably wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else, but I feel he knows what I’m talking about. He has always known after all.
His grip tightens around me, and I feel him brushing a smiled kiss against my temple.
“Yeah,” he sighs. “And you’re the best work of art ever.”
*whispers* ...I’m kinda lacking of inspiration lately... (Shh! Don’t wanna scare the Muse away!!) So I
Don’t think it’s sad, though.
Maybe just kinda weird. I don’t know.
Warnings: Mistakes. I claim them, they’re mine.
My dear other B, I know this is not exactly what you asked for ;) , but this is what came out of me this time, even if I swear I was trying to write a... happy smexy thing... Lol!
Anyway, happy birthday again!! *hugs you* ...and thanks for everything.
Carving
I like watching Jack while he’s asleep.
When he’s totally unaware of the fact that I’m looking at him, of what I’m looking at and why.
I don’t have to feel embarassed or shy. I can stare at what I want, for as long as I please.
Then, if I want, I can wake him up with a kiss on his mouth. Or with lots of kisses, everywhere.
Or, well... in a more creative way. Sometimes I do.
But actually I crave for these crystallized moments of pure stillness.
Because... when he’s asleep, he’s mine.
I have all the time I want to treasure the sight of Jack’s perfect form.
No rush. No hurry.
Moments when the world’s not going anywhere and it’s just the two of us.
I look at the alarm clock on the bedside table.
Mmm. Almost eight o’ clock. Maybe I should wake him up, after all.
Besides the clock, my attention gets caught even this time by the little sculpture he made last year for our anniversary.
It looks even more beautiful in the golden light of the morning. Kinda more... real.
Two trees, leaning one against the other, their branches twisted together into a confusing mass, their trunks intertwined. You can’t tell where one tree ends and where the other begins, but you do recognize the shapes of two beeches.
Look, Ennis, Jack had told me that day, smiling. It’s us. Inseparable. And when we’re together, just unbreakable.
Yeah. I got myself not only a very handsome man: Jack’s an artist too.
He creates beauty with the help of stone and chisels. Isn’t that great?
I asked him once how the whole creative process of carving worked for him, because I wanted to know.
How could he think of all those figures, how could he make up all those images of things and people in his head, and then give them a body and a shape in such a defined way?
He told me he doesn’t really create anything new.
And I was puzzled at first, ‘cause I didn’t understand that.
But, you see, for Jack isn’t about creating something.
It’s all about freeing something.
“You see these sculptures, Ennis? They’ve always been there. Always existed.”
He gets so serious every time he talks about his work.
“It’s like everything’s inside the stone. Already there. It’s just... waiting to be set free, you know? So I only have to listen and focus my attention on it. And then, if I’m doing things right, I can feel it.”
“Feel what?” I had asked him.
Jack’s eyes had gone wide.
“What lies behind the surface,” he had said slowly. “What’s hidden inside the stone. I don’t know why, but it’s just like that... I just bring to light what was obscured by darkness.”
I believe him.
I mean, I believe that it’s like that for him.
And the reason why I’m sure of it... it’s that he did the same thing to me.
Jack... he can see through things sometimes.
He listened to my hidden self and he struggled to bring me to life.
My true self. My real self.
Because he saw me, from the very start.
Yeah, I was prisoner of myself and Jack set my soul free- I wasn’t sure of what I would end up being, but it didn’t matter ‘cause Jack knew it already, even before me.
And he showed me what kind of life we could have had together, if only I had dared coming out of my lurk.
Like, that time we kissed for the first time. I remember the scene like it was yesterday.
We had known each other for years, we were still two young boys, and I was starting to understand that what drew me to Jack wasn’t just a sentiment of friendship.
It was something else, something more, something more strong and more powerful, and so terribly more scaring at the same time.
I didn’t want to feel the way I felt, but I just couldn’t help being attracted to him.
And I felt so ashamed of it.
I thought it was wrong and unnatural. That was what I had been taught.
But if it was so unnatural, why did I have to feel that way? Why was that feeling inside of me, so painfully intense, a torment that grew up more and more every day?
“Ennis? What are you thinking about?”
We were sitting on his porch swing, talking- something we had discovered we both liked to do, something better than going out and chasing girls like our friends did whenever they had the chance.
Well, even if I just listened and let him do the talking most of the times, but it was okay.
Actually everything with Jack felt okay, and he never expected from me more than I could give him.
“Ennis?”
I remember raising my gaze slowly, almost afraid of meeting his eyes.
Afraid he could see what had been eating me up from the very inside of my soul for months.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit.” Jack shrugged. Don’t know how he did it but he could always tell when I was lying. “You’re not fine.” He watched me more closely, studying my face. “You seem kinda... desperate, to say the truth.”
God, if I was.
I was feeling so lonely and alone, those days more than ever.
The burden that weighed on my shoulder felt heavier for some reason I could not understand.
I didn’t answer. Just kept staring in front of me. Suddenly everything looked kinda blurred.
“Hey, friend,” said Jack, sliding closer, a concerned note in his voice.“Seriously. What’s wrong?”
His left leg was touching my right leg all the way down my calf.
I could feel him, warm against my body.
Could almost feel his hot breath on my cheek.
“Jack...”
Don’t know why I had to say his name. It came out like a painful moan, the whine of a wounded animal.
Jack.
Jack, Jack, Jack.
That name I couldn’t get out of my head.
“Yeah...” he whispered, placing a hand on my tight and rubbing the fabric in a soothing gesture. “I’m here Ennis. You can talk to me.”
Suddenly it was all too much, and the tears I was trying to hold back spilled over, rolling down my cheeks, wetting my face.
Before I could realize it, I had Jack’s arms around me, holding me tight against him, pressing my head against his chest.
I could feel his heartbeat.
His heart thumping wildy just below my ear.
“It’s okay Ennis... it’s okay...” he kept saying, even if I could sense he didn’t know what exactly he was referring to. I wasn’t sure of that myself.
“Jack...”
You’re not supposed to feel this way...
“I don’t think it is.”
...ain’t natural.
“What are you talking about, Ennis? Tell me.”
He had such a pleading tone, and in that moment I really wished I could tell him, put into words the restless emotions that flailed inside me, so to make him understand: but words never came to me easily, and maybe there weren’t words to describe that fear that seemed to tear my heart apart most of the time.
I sniffed, trying to compose myself, straightening up a little but still held by his arms.
“It’s me...” I murmured. It was a secret I had carried inside of me for so long. My shameful secret. “I think something’s wrong with me.”
Jack frowned.
“Why, Ennis? What have you done?”
“I...” I shook my head, lowering my eyes.
What if the truth would scare him? I knew I was scared by it.
What if he would end up not wanting to see me or talk to me ever again?
“Jack... I think I... like you.” A faint sob escaped my lips. “I mean... Ain’t normal.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath as I drew back.
“Oh, Ennis.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Ennis. Shh.”
Jack reached for my face, gently touching my jaw.
“Look at me.”
I didn’t want to, but I felt I owned him somehow.
He lifted my head, and I saw him staring at me.
That sure wasn’t a hateful expression.
Not even a pitiful one.
He looked almost... broken-hearted.
“Ennis. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing. All right?”
“Jack...”
“No, listen. You are... a wondeful person. You hear me? Wonderful inside out.” His voice was firm and forceful while he stroked my face. “You’re special.”
I sighed.
“How can you say it? How do you know this isn’t just plain wrong?”
Jack put his other hand on the other side of my face, pulling my head forward.
We were just inches apart now.
His lips a breath away from mine.
Our eyes locked.
“Because I can see it, Ennis.”
He leaned over.
“And because I feel the same.”
Time stilled as his lips brushed over my mouth. I held my breath, waiting with my eyes closed.
My heart ready to burst out of my chest.
The cage starting to give in.
already there
waiting to be set free
I can feel
what lies behind the surface
I opened up to him as he broke with a kiss all the bars that had kept me prisoner until that moment.
and I just bring to light what was obscured by darkness.
For the first time I felt in touch with the world.
Jack stirs under the sheets, rolling on his back.
Even if he has his eyes still closed I can tell he’s awake, because of that soft smile on his lips.
I so love his smile.
I think that he knows it. You know, it may sound crazy, but sometimes I suspect he’s all smiling just to please me.
Just to see that brief sparkle of happiness I know must be shining in my eyes when I look at him.
Or maybe I’m just imaginig it. Who knows.
Never been as good as he is at reading people.
“Hmmm. You’re awake,” he mutters, streching an arm out to pull me closer.
He opens his eyes, his fingers tangled in my hair, slightly pulling at my blond locks.
“What were you doing anyway?”
I look down on him, touching his eyebrow with my thumb.
“Was waiting for you to wake up, sleepy head.”
“Yeah, I bet I’m quite a sight when I’m sleeping,” he says with a playful grin.
“You are,” I reply, and I so mean it. I think my man he’s one of the most gorgeous things on Earth.
Must be ‘cause I see him trough the eyes of a man in love.
Never loved anyone the way I love Jack.
“Come here,” he laughs, drawing me close to him.
I fell on his chest, and it feels just like my place.
The right place.
I caress his skin, smelling his scent. And I feel I found the place I belong to.
It’s an overwhelming sensation sometimes, you know?
And I feel the urge to tell him, because there are days when I feel so grateful, even if he keeps saying that he didn’t do anything, that it was just me.
Days when I wonder what I did to deserve having him besides me for the rest of my life.
I turn my head, kissing his heart.
“I’m so glad you let me out.”
Words that probably wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else, but I feel he knows what I’m talking about. He has always known after all.
His grip tightens around me, and I feel him brushing a smiled kiss against my temple.
“Yeah,” he sighs. “And you’re the best work of art ever.”
