bowl_of_glow: (jack_light)
[personal profile] bowl_of_glow
A/N: Hmm. Hello. Nothing special. I haven’t written in a while so, hmm, yeah. I admit I’ve probably messed up with the tenses here. *scratches head* If it’s so painfully obvious, please point it out... I appreciate the help.
’Summary’: 5 moments in which Jack missed Ennis (almost too much to stand)
Genre: Canon

Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack were not created by me, but by Annie E. Proulx. No infringements or disrespects intended.



5 moments in which Jack missed Ennis (almost too much to stand)


That time he watched a documentary about grizzly bears on TV- he can’t remember why he watched it all to be honest, since it was quite boring, but he presumes he didn’t have anything more interesting to do at the moment.
He wasn’t that sober, also, that he can remember- and the memory of the three or four empty bottles on the coffee table in front of him seems to confirm it- but he was feeling strangely lucid, momentarily graced by that sharp, clear vision of things that only alcohol can give.

The brown bear on the screen looked big and menacing, very much like the one that had run after Ennis that summer day on Brokeback Mountain, at least according to what Ennis had reported afterwards.
Or maybe it had been Jack himself the one who’d made that image up in his head, impressed by the story, and half relieved and half confused by deferred, unreasonable fright.

After the end of the documentary Jack had gone upstairs, taking a small tin box out of his drawer.
He flicked through the postcards bought last time he’d been to Wyoming –five months before, so much time, too much time- picked one of them.

Miss you, he’d written, in round, childish letters.
Just that, two words only, right behind the picture of the Big Horns mountains.

What if Alma saw it first? Would she suspect something?
In that moment Jack couldn’t bring himself to care. In fact, a sick, small part of him hoped she would.

He mailed the letter that same day, but never received an answer, either verbal or written.
Which is okay. After all he wasn’t expecting one.

_____________________________________________________________


When his son found him still awake on the couch with the TV turned on, soundless, and asked what he was doing there.
Jack had looked at Bobby. Bluish lights and shadows were ghosting over his son’s face, probably giving him a spectral appearance as well, making him look as awful as he was feeling.
He didn’t answer Bobby, just shook his head, told him to say to his mother he wouldn’t bother her, and she could keep acting as he wasn’t there for a few days.

His son narrowed his eyes and seemed to study him for a moment, but he asked no other questions, for which Jack was very grateful.
Bobby didn’t want to know about his dad’s friend if Jack didn’t want to explain, and Jack surely did not -he couldn’t find a way to explain what he was doing there instead of being in Wyoming, as he had told he would.
He still wasn’t sure he knew why, or maybe he did but feared the answer too much to acknowledge it.
Either way he didn’t want to think about it.

Bobby tiptoed to the couch where Jack was sitting and leaned over, placing a soft kiss on his father’s forehead.
Jack’s eyelids fluttered and he looked up, smiling. Bobby smiled back.

Later that night he left the door of his bedroom open in a silent invitation, just in case his dad wanted to sleep in there with him, like he had done last time he was home, and the night before that one, and the night before.

Later that night Jack entered the room, silently, looking down at his little child with an aching heart.
That was the first time he wondered... did he know?
He seemed to understand sometimes.
Children were smart, after all.

He wished he had been given the time to explain Ennis that.
Did his girls noticed the way the word ‘friend’ had sounded on Ennis’s lips? Their dad’s sudden nervousness?
The happiness in Jack’s eyes, right before it was so roughly crushed?

He looked at Bobby then and thought that yes, they probably did.
But unlike their father, as long as they looked so happy together they probably wouldn’t have cared.

_____________________________________________________________


That time at the bar, when a tall blond guy had looked in his direction with a lustful glint in his eyes.
Jack still remembers that lonely days, the desperate need to be with someone –anyone- just to be able to ignore the emptiness that seemed to gnaw at his soul, making him afraid that someday he would be left void, inside.

Then why didn’t he go with that man?
He wouldn’t have been the first stranger he followed out of a bar and into a motel room, so prudence had nothing to do with it.

No, it had been the smile that the man had flashed at him, one way too open and friendly to even vaguely resemble Ennis’s.
There was something in that smile that made Jack’s stomach twist in a painful knot, making him want to withdraw far into himself.

Damn.
Ennis had ruined him for any other man.

He averted his eyes. The blond stranger got up and out.

Ennis.
Sometimes Jack cannot help but hate him.

_____________________________________________________________


Sometimes- and that’s the strange, torturing thing- he misses Ennis even when he’s staying right there beside him.
Jack’s always thinking ahead, that’s what helps him survive- but thinking ahead when he’s with Ennis doesn’t do him any good, it just makes him crazy and desperate with need, makes him giddy with emotions he cannot show.
Cannot get hold of this elusive thing they share, it slips between his fingers like water, lasting but a few days.
Slow agony.

He misses the Ennis he met on Brokeback, that unconcerned boy, back when reality still had to catch up with them.

Moments gone forever. All they have now is this sad replacement.

He looks at Ennis. He’s there, right there beside him.
Sometimes, though, he’s afraid he won’t be able to reach him anymore.

_____________________________________________________________


Ennis holds the shirts, crying.
Not loud sobs, just sad, silent tears.
Jack touches his shoulder. Ennis doesn’t move.
He probably cannot even feel it.

And now? It’s not like he really misses him... not like he missed him when he was alive, anyway.
It’s more like he feels his absence.
But he waits.
He’s waited all his life after all, it’s nothing he isn’t used to.
What makes it bearable now is knowing that it’s just a matter of time.

Ennis hangs the shirts again, murmures something under his breath- Jack, I swear...
Jack smiles.
Funny how Ennis cannot finish the sentence, not even now.
Funny, if it wasn’t so sad.

He understands though, and wraps his arms around Ennis’s waist.
Me too, Ennis, he whispers softly in return, lips against his ear.

Ennis grows still, looks out of the trailer, at the blowing breeze.
And placing a hand over his heart, Jack can feel his heartbeat slowing down.

Finally able to reach him, at last.
It was worth it.
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