bowl_of_glow: (J&E_reunion)
[personal profile] bowl_of_glow
A/N: Many many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] bruxa_zero for giving me the permission to use her beautiful collages a while back. :)
I know there are some mistakes, they’re all mine. Sorry.
And even if I don't have the time to read right now, I'd like to thank all those people who take the time to share their writing with all of us. You're great guys. :)
Title: Words unsaid
Genre: canon/ drabble
Warnings: dead!Jack
Disclaimer: The characters of Ennis and Jack were not created by me, but by Annie E. Proulx. No infringements or disrespects intended.




Words unsaid

It was right after Jack’s death that the weight of all the things unsaid and undone finally crashed on Ennis: something that suddenly brought him the awareness of having left so many things unfinished with Jack, the sensation of still having a lot of things to do, but no one to do them with anymore.

Ennis realized this with a painful clarity sometimes, a clarity that took his breath away and made his heart ache terribly, and he couldn’t think about it for more than a few minutes because it was almost too much, too much to bear.
And it was like that thing from which he’d been running away for most of his life had eventually caught up with him, and that awful sensation that had followed him and Jack for years during their reunions and fishing trips made sense at last: that sensation of never enough time, never enough, and now there would be no more time at all.

And Ennis wondered sometimes if Jack had meant what he had said that last time they’d seen each other, if after all those years of delaying and denying he had managed to say the unforgivable and do the irreparable, pushing Jack away for good, Jack who never gave up, Jack who always found a way to come back.

Ennis’d often told himself that no man on Earth could possibly break that stubborn spirit that was the very core of Jack’s being, but the look on Jack’s face when Ennis’d met his eyes for the last time had told him otherwise: that look screamed defeat for maybe the first time in years, and Ennis had seen in front of his eyes a broken man. And so now he wondered... was it really him? Was it him the one who had drained Jack’s strenght and hope, or it was life that had beaten him up and burnt him to ashes?

Ennis was afraid of the answer, but no one had one to offer him anyway.
And deep down he knew he could swear in front of those old shirts all he wanted- swear to Jack and swear to God and to whoever he pleased, desperatly trying to fix what he couldn’t stand anymore- it was always too late to take back what had already been said and done.

And when he lay awake in his bed at night Ennis tried not to think about Jack too much, but as he drifted to sleep his mind always betrayed him, for Jack nearly always apperead in his dreams and Ennis was helpeless against it: fighting it couldn’t prevent it from happen, it never worked, like it hadn’t worked for a lot of other things in Ennis’s life, like feeling the way he felt about Jack, like trying to protect Jack from that thing that in the end had happened anyway.

Still, Ennis hoped that despite all the things unfinished, unsaid and undone, Jack knew all the same the only thing that had always mattered, that Jack knew what he’d never heard from him because Ennis had never had the courage to acknowledge it, even though he had always carried the consciousness of it inside of him.

So, when he dreamed about Jack, Ennis often dreamed about telling him the words he never, ever had the strength to say, but that Jack deserved to hear.
When Ennis did it in his dreams, Jack rarely answered, and most of the times he just looked at Ennis with that sad, broken look on his face, and with a hint of pity in his eyes; a look that made Ennis’s heart sink every time.
Ennis still had to figure out what that meant, if Jack was denying him the forgiveness that in his heart of hearts he knew he was looking for, or if maybe it meant it was just too late for that, ‘cause he should’ve said it while he still had the chance.
And now that chance was gone, just like...
Just like he was gone.

But then there were times... times when Jack replied in kind.

“I love you, Jack,” Ennis said, his voice and whole body trembling, for it took a lot of strenght to say it and he guessed he’d always been the weak one in the end.

“I love you, Ennis,” was Jack’s quiet reply. “I’ve always, always loved you.”

And although he was whispering, those words sounded clear and loud in the still air, floating towards Ennis like a gentle breeze, light and soft, kissing his skin, caressing his heart and filling it with a joy so great he felt like bursting in tears.
Words Ennis never had the chance to hear when Jack was still alive, and he wasn’t really sure if Jack was watching him from above now, as he liked to think when he felt lonely, but he suspected that sometimes, just sometimes, it was Jack the one murmuring into his ear those golden soothing words, allowing him to find, at least in his sleep, the peace he knew he didn’t deserve.




Collage made by [livejournal.com profile] bruxa_zero

Date: 2009-09-14 04:43 pm (UTC)
chamilet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] chamilet
*sniff*

Very good.

Date: 2009-09-15 03:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thank you.
Like your icon. Jacob Black, uh? Yeah, I'm a Jake girl myself. :)

*hugs*

B.

Date: 2009-09-14 04:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sapphobrazil.livejournal.com
beatifully done!

Ana

Date: 2009-09-15 03:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thank you a lot Ana!

*hugs*

Date: 2009-09-14 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovewithstands.livejournal.com
:(

Awesome writing!

Date: 2009-09-15 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you for reading! :)

*hugs*

Date: 2009-09-14 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acquaalta.livejournal.com
(((B.))) You're back. Or still away? Internet point?
I hope you are doing well, writing such a sad piece.
Thanks for sharing it, love and hugs, B.

Date: 2009-09-15 03:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Hi honey!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks, I'm okay. Still without internet, but it should be fixed soon.
You know, I went to a wedding in August, it made me think about you and 'your' weddings- LOL!

Hope you're ok darling!

*hugs*

the other B ;)

Date: 2009-09-14 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apreg.livejournal.com
((B))

Hey friend <3 that was just so beautiful, your writing amazes me every time, how did you write something so sad and so beautiful.

I hope you are doing well.

lots of love,

Ashley.

Date: 2009-09-15 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Hope you and baby Jake are doing well, my dear! Hug him for me!!! ♥
I'm okay, thanks for asking, and of course thanks for reading! :)

Love!

B.

Date: 2009-09-14 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eandj.livejournal.com
he suspected that sometimes, just sometimes, it was Jack the one murmuring into his ear those golden soothing words, allowing him to find, at least in his sleep, the peace he knew he didn’t deserve.
heartbreaking sad but wonderful written
thanks
Paula

Date: 2009-09-15 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thank you so very much Paula. :)

*hugs*

B.

Date: 2009-09-14 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gwylliondream.livejournal.com
This gave me a tear!

"most of the times he just looked at Ennis with that sad, broken look on his face, and with a hint of pity in his eyes; a look that made Ennis’s heart sink every time.
Ennis still had to figure out what that meant, if Jack was denying him the forgiveness that in his heart of hearts he knew he was looking for, or if maybe it meant it was just too late for that"

Hope everything is going smoothly for you!

XO
Donna

Date: 2009-09-16 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Hi dear! Everything's ok, and internet should start working again really soon... What about you, how are things going with your article? :)

Hugs and thank you very much 4 reading!

B.

Date: 2009-09-17 03:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gwylliondream.livejournal.com
Hey! I hope you have Internet soon! Things are slowly moving into place with the article project! It won't be long now!

XO
Donna

Date: 2009-09-14 09:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thordottir.livejournal.com
lovely.
gorgeous picture too

Date: 2009-09-15 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thank you, and yes, gorgeous picture isn't it? :)

*hugs*

B.

Date: 2009-09-14 09:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] camillar.livejournal.com
Gorgeous, sweetie, just gorgeous. Thank you :)

Date: 2009-09-15 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Oh, thanks to you for sharing your sweet story with us, honey!! ;) Still without internet but I can read some chapters now and again- my pc should be fixed soon anyway. :)
CAn't wait to read your next chapter...!!

Hope you're doing well!! :)

*tight hugs*

B.

Date: 2009-09-15 01:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annabuffy.livejournal.com
Very haunting and very sad. Regret is the worst thing to have because you can never go back and change things.

Date: 2009-09-15 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Yeah, poor Ennis, I think he regretted a lot of things in the end.
Thank you for reading dear!

*hugs*

Date: 2009-09-15 09:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lara-pinta.livejournal.com
Very powerful and beautiful writing.

Wonderful image as well.

Thank you
Lorna

Date: 2009-09-15 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thank you very much Lorna, for reading and commenting. :)

*hugs!*

Date: 2009-09-15 03:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you Steffi! ♥

*hugs!*

Date: 2009-09-16 01:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] morrobay1990.livejournal.com
Very sweet, and nicely written. I love the last paragraph, especially.
Thank you!

Date: 2009-09-16 06:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Thanks to you! ♥

Date: 2009-10-05 07:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freetraveller15.livejournal.com
See how late I am with catching up with my F-page?!?
Come stai carissima? Qui tutto bene :)
Grazie del tuo SMS l'altro giorno. A scuola tutto ok?

Grazie di questo bellissimo pezzo.

Tanti baci,
Paola

Date: 2009-10-07 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
PAOLA!! (((hugs ya)))

Come stai cara??
Qui tutto bene- oddio, la scuola ci sta facendo impazzire ma è normale immagino!
Tu?

Grazie a te per il tuo commento!
E non preoccuparti, non credo che per ora avrò il tempo di scrivere molto altro! ;)

Un bacione!!

Giulia

Date: 2009-10-07 08:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freetraveller15.livejournal.com
Ciao carissima :)
Eh, lo so, la scuola ti prendera' tanto tempo, ma l'importante e' che a fine anno tu abbia buoni risultati, e ne sono sicura andra' cosi' :)

Ne deduco che sei di nuovo su internet?

Un bacione fortissimo.
Paola
xoxoxox

Date: 2009-10-07 08:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bowl-of-glow.livejournal.com
Sì internet funziona! :)
Ma non ho molto tempo per starci... a parte la sera ma ho sonno! LOL!
Tu 6 ancora in Italia??
Un bacio anche a te, e buonanotte cara!

*smack!*

Date: 2009-10-07 09:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freetraveller15.livejournal.com
Uno smack anche a te, carissima :)
I tuoi post mi riempiono sempre di buon umore :)))
Si', sono sempre in Italia, e non solo in Italia, ma al mare (!!!), ci credi? Oggi erano 25 gradi, sole, e ho persino fatto il bagno! Ma sto anche lavorando, non proprio full time, ma abbastanza, menomale che ho internet! E a volte mi stampo documenti su cui devo lavorare e me li porto in spiaggia, eh eh!
Tornero' a Roma lunedi' prossimo, e probabilmente a Londra martedi' 20, ma passando per Parigi, dove staro' un paio di giorni a trovare un'amica (italiana) che ha due bambine stupende e vive a Montmartre, beata lei!

xxx

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